Saying Goodbye
by ImproperUseOfCommas
Summary: One Shot. Catching Fire Spoilers ahead. The night before Katniss and Peeta enter the Quarter Quell. Katniss realizes this may be her last chance to tell Peeta what he means to her.


_Hunger Games Catching Fire and all characters belong to Suzanne Collins. I'm just a fan. This is my first attempt at fan fiction and I'd love reviews._

_We walk down the hallway. Peeta wants to stop by his room to shower off the makeup and meet me in a few minutes, but I won't let him. I'm certain if a door shuts between us, it will lock and I'll have to spend the night without him. Besides, I have a shower in my room. I refuse to let go of his hand. pg 260 Catching Fire  
_

Sleep is a necessity if I am going to keep Peeta alive in the arena, but it doesn't come. Wrapped in his arms, I find my mind drifting again and again to Peeta's interview and a future I'd never let myself imagine.

And maybe it's because I have no future of my own left to claim or maybe I am dreaming, but for the first time I see it the way Peeta must have all along. The way we balance each other, his ease and steadiness, my drive and fire. Alone we are strong, but together we lit a fire throughout Panem. I see the way it could have existed without the Games, without the Capitol playing puppet master, in some alternate reality where the odds weren't always against us. Me and him. The boy with the bread and the girl whose songs cause the birds to fall silent. The girl mixing together a venison stew, singing as she cleans her kill, the boy coming home dusted in flour clutching warm bread for the meal. A little blond child, cheeks flush from hours in the woods, belly round and happy, running to greet him. So much love. An impossible but so real future. And I want it so much it hurts.

I sit up, wrapping my arms around my stomach unsure if I am trying to hold the images inside or protect myself from them. Immediately Peeta is there.

"Katniss" Peeta says holding me tighter, whispering over and over in my ear "It's okay, I'm here." The tears that were threatening to spill, come in force. Wracking sobs that curl me on to myself. Because he is here. He's always been here, waiting for me to see. And now that I do, our time is nearly up. My resolve is unwavered. Peeta must live, even at the cost of my own life. But he deserves more than just a future. This boy, who has given so much and asked so little, deserves to know, at least once, what he means to me.

If Peeta is confused by my sudden outburst, he doesn't say so. His arms stay tight around mine, soothing me with their steadying presence, content as always to give me what I need without asking anything in return. I force myself to stop the tears. Focusing on slowing my breath and try to formulate the words I know I need to say. I'm not sure where to begin. Peeta is the one with the words, but I must get this out. Tonight. Tomorrow we will be in front of all of Panem.

I turn to face him, keeping my eyes on the the sheets rather than his face, feeling that facing another round of the Capital muttations would be easier . "Peeta, I...I..." I falter unable to get the words out. He grabs my shoulders, demanding I look at him.

"No, Katniss, I don't know what got to you right now, but I know what you are trying to do, and I'm not going to let you." Of all the reactions I might have expected, a smile, maybe some kisses, anger wasn't on the list. "Whatever you are trying to tell me can wait. I won't let you tell me goodbye yet. You are going home. You are going to have a future, with your Mom and Prim..."

"What if I the only future I want is one that has you in it?" I demand, thinking how unfair it is to expect me to go on without him.

He pretends he doesn't hear me, going on about how my family relies on me, how it isn't the same for him. He finishes by bringing up Gale, leaving the name hanging in the air like a question mark offering to give me life and love, while destroying both for himself.

I keep my eyes on Peeta wanting him to understand every word. "Gale is my best friend. He will always be important to me and I will always chose to protect him and fight for him the way I fight for the rest of my family. But he was never more than that." Peeta raises an eyebrow. "At one point he might have been. But for so long I've been too scared to imagine any sort of future. I was never a going to fall in love and get married. Not to Gale, not to anyone. I couldn't commit myself to any one person because it seems like everyone I love gets hurt. I saw what losing a spouse did to my Mom, and I refuse to have a child who would be entered into the reaping. I didn't let myself think about anyone that way because I couldn't see anything beyond survival. But now that there is no chance of that..." Peeta starts to interrupt but I shake my head and continue on determined to have my say. "Now that there is no chance of any future, it's like I'm free. I see so clearly now."

Peeta is silent for a minute, his expression warring between frustration and curiosity. Curiosity wins. "What do you see?" Peeta whispers.

It takes all my courage to hold his gaze. "You. I see you."

I want to tell him about my dream, about the life we might have had in a different, more peaceful place but Peeta doesn't seem to need to hear anymore. He places his hands on my cheeks and looks deep into my eyes. "Thank you" he says, his voice thick with emotions unspoken. When he kisses me, I feel that thing again that I'd only felt once before, in the cave. But he cuts of the kiss far too quickly. "This doesn't change anything though. You are going home." Peeta says it forcefully, pleading, wanting it to be true. I know it's not, but now isn't the time to argue. I curl my leg around his and pull him slowly back down into the bed, joining my lips to his again. If the remainder of our time together can be counted in hours and minutes. I don't want to lose a moment of it.


End file.
